So I remembered I had a relationship with the actress Nicole de Boer (she starred in Deep Space Nine, and The Dead Zone!) Like the reason I’m writing about this on my blog is because I need to remember my own life, and all the memories the corporate mafia stole from me!
Like, when I look at her face in some of the photos of her on the internet, I cry or I struggle with really intense and difficult emotions. 🙁 It’s REALLY WEIRD having feelings like this produced from looking at photos of someone who until recently you thought you never met, because you got brainwashed and tortured to forget her. I’ve figured out she’s both my “ex-girlfriend” I remember AND the woman I think I used to call “my psychologist friend” when I wrote about her online. It’s like the memories of her have gotten split into two fictional people who both have similar names to her — and who are both totally similar to her in various ways as well. So like I thought I knew someone called “Vickie”, but it’s actually Nikki I knew (Nikki de Boer). The “Belgian Flemish ex-girlfriend” I thought I knew was actually Nikki with her Dutch surname (Flemish is basically the same as Dutch), from her bilingual and bicultural nation of Canada, not Belgium. LOL!
I am gonna call her Nikki, to try to recover any memories I can of my own herstory. So Nikki was still married when she had a lesbian relationship with me at some point, but I don’t know when exactly. I think it must have been before 2011. Probably around 2007, when I was first famous for a big TV role, I guess. (Some asshole CIA agent reviewers don’t agree that Disney shows are “big” or “important” — but whatever! They totally are, and if you think I’m exaggerating then you can get lost.)
So Nikki and me took a few short vacations together. One of these vacations must have been to a place in Canada called Old Montreal. I’m not 100% sure about this — but I was looking at photos of Canadian cities to figure out where it was that I went with her, and I was like “This is the place. This is definitely the place.” (I’m having to figure out all of this real stuff involving Nikki de Boer, by making sense of fake memories of fictional people and fictional vacations in the European continent. I started to remember something about all of this when I decided to view a Deep Space Nine episode on TV, because of some kind of sense of having a connection to Nikki de Boer. I wasn’t sure why she was important to me, because she wasn’t part of the fake memories as an important person. She was actually only in the fake memories as like, an unimportant “disliked replacement actress for a valued character” — and I don’t have any genuine sense of valuing Terry Farrell’s Dax at all, full stop. Only Nikki de Boer meant anything to me, and I didn’t really know why.)
Like anyway. What I do remember is either her — or me — taking the other to a “family owned” building. Like, in Montreal, I guess. But my memories of the vacations happening the other way around are also of being at a “family owned” building (like the “ex-girlfriend” visiting my home area, even though Nikki obviously also resided in LA). It’s like the memories of the vacations either way mirror each other, you know? Like at “my” “family-owned building” with no family present so it was just us there alone, and at “her” “family-owned building” with no family present so it was just us there alone. I do remember one sit down dinner with “family” when she was supposed to be visiting me, in the fake version of the memories — and she talked really confidently to them the whole time (but other than that one time, we basically always had either place to ourselves on these vacations). I’m just trying to make sense of what I remember, since I’m an actress from Los Angeles and not a British person!!!! I know it’s really Nikki in the memories though, because it’s her face. Seriously, I just want to cry or something when I see specific pictures of her face that trigger some kind of serious memory emotions.
Seeing her in Deep Space Nine doesn’t trigger the emotions very intensely, because she didn’t look like that when I knew her. I think it might even have been around 2004-2005 when we got together (when she was starring in The Dead Zone). I’m basing my guess on my memories of what she looked like when she had the relationship with me.
Here is the weirdest part of all of this: I’m pretty sure from looking at recent photos of Nicole de Boer that she’s the woman I talked to late in 2021. I’m talking about the woman I expected to be “my psychologist friend” (the fictional woman from the fake memories), who I thought I was arranging to video chat with again on a small number of occasions sometime between October and December of 2021. I really talked to someone a few times — but I totally bailed in the end, cancelling the next video call which was set for January 2022, because she barely said ANYTHING to reply to me in those calls… so I believed she was compromised by the mafia or whatever, because she wasn’t behaving like a normal person and seemed under strict instructions to limit all her replies to the bare minimum necessary to seem plausibly “normal”. It really spooked me — especially because she looked so different to the woman I remembered (remember, I don’t age), and she was totally speaking with a different voice that was much lower than the one I remembered (which was like a woman with the voice of a little girl). Maybe in the fake memories, my own voice was given to her… like, to explain the memories of my own voice, in case I ever remembered that!? Honestly though, I thought it was actually a different woman playing the role of “my psychologist friend”, in 2021. At that point, I believed she was probably dead, even though I really wanted to believe it was still the same woman that eventually showed up for the video chats… after a really long period of the first meeting being delayed again and again. (The short explanation for why the video calls even happened was just because I wanted to talk to her again, so I asked someone to contact her for me to set up what I believed was “another appointment”. Because at that point, remember, I thought this person was a psychologist and not Nikki de Boer. LOL.)
Obviously the Ezri Dax character that Nikki played on Deep Space Nine is a counselor. I figure the brainwasher torturers turned the memory of Nikki into a psychologist because there was some sense of reality attached to that idea, to make it easier for me to accept it (I mean because Nikki actually played a counselor on a TV show, even though she obviously wasn’t a counselor herself).
I’m not even sure that the woman I see in recent photos of Nicole de Boer is the same Nicole de Boer that I knew. And that’s because it’s really hard for me to be sure about things like this after the mafia replaced me with an imposter who is pretending to be me, appearing in TV shows to this shade as if she’s really me. Like, what do you want me to say? I don’t want to put Nicole de Boer under suspicion of not even being herself for no reason — but I’m not gonna say “I know that’s still her” when I don’t know that, especially after all my experiences. I think she looks kind of different (like the woman I talked to in 2021 looked like a VERY similar but different woman). But I don’t age, so this is something that’s always weird and confusing for me anyway.
So yeah! That’s basically all I’ve got to say about this for the moment, people!!!! Like I explained at the top of this blog post, the mafia stole my memories and I thought talking about this might help me to get my memories back. I’m Maiara Walsh. I’m the original Maiara Walsh. Nicole de Boer is my ex-girlfriend who had a relationship with me sometime between 2004 and 2007. I remember a lot of things, but I don’t want to try to present a clear narrative of our relationship until I actually have a good idea of what happened.
I don’t think it’s necessary to apologize for “outing” her because there’s nothing wrong with being lesbian or bisexual — and I have ownership of my own experiences too without needing to hide anything that wasn’t wrong!!!! And it’s not illegal to have a relationship ignoring marriage, you know! Even though I totally don’t prefer it myself (regardless of what others might possibly suggest about me!) Also, I am totally putting myself first here… especially since I need to remember all my own experiences, and also because when it comes down to it she might have been involved in the corporate mafia’s conspiracy to abuse/control me. If it was her I talked to in 2021 — and I believe it was — then she was definitely involved in the conspiracy in some way, OBVIOUSLY… but that doesn’t mean she was voluntarily taking part in it. Some of the stuff I remember seriously suggests that she was part of some type of conspiracy or other, and that’s all I’m gonna say until I know more. It might not help me at all if I say a bunch of stuff that’s bullshit, people!!!! So please understand why I’m not saying more right now. I’m saying a lot.
I totally don’t want to get back with her!!!! It’s really weird that I thought she was dead and it turns out she’s not dead, because she’s Nikki de Boer LOL. I’m glad she’s not dead. 🙂 Anyway, like I said, I don’t want to get back with her. I’m just saying I’m glad she’s not dead.
~Maiara
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